Let’s be honest: everything is dangerous. In today’s world, you can’t be too careful — or, ideally, you shouldn’t do anything at all. The perils of daily life have grown to such terrifying proportions that even the most mundane activity poses an unreasonable risk to your safety. You want to stay safe? Here’s how to avoid it all.
1. Walking
Yes, walking. Did you know that walking is a leading cause of tripping? And not only that — by standing, you’re risking knee strain, ankle vulnerability, and even the notorious phenomenon known as “foot fatigue.” All it takes is one cracked sidewalk and bam — you’re in a full-blown tumble. Every step, every stroll, is another roll of the dice. The only foolproof solution? Avoid walking. A rolling office chair is slightly safer but poses its own set of hazards. Really, best just to lie down.
2. Sitting
“But you just told me to lie down,” you say. Sure, lying down is an option — but that can lead to bedsores if you’re lying too long. And sitting? Well, sitting is just as bad. Extended sitting is reportedly worse for you than smoking! It tightens your hip flexors, strains your lower back, and leaves you vulnerable to the sudden possibility of your chair collapsing. One weak screw and there you are — flat on the floor, mortified and bruised. So, what’s left? Hovering in midair? Not feasible. Standing? Well, we’ve covered that. Sitting, standing, lying down… They’re all just variations on the same risk theme. So, let’s move on.
3. Breathing
Inhale. Exhale. Repeat. Sounds harmless, right? Except the air you’re breathing is full of pollutants. Car exhaust, smoke, and who knows what else! Each breath draws microscopic particles into your lungs, which, experts say, can lead to a range of health issues. Not to mention that breathing heavily after even a minor exertion is highly dangerous; heavy breathing immediately increases the risk of pulling a muscle or startling yourself. Solution? Hold your breath. It’s the safest option.
4. Drinking Water
Hydration is essential, they say. But did you know that water is one of the most common choking hazards? That’s right. One wrong swallow, and you’re gasping for air, practically dying on the spot. And don’t even get me started on drowning — that can happen in as little as two inches of water! This is why some experts recommend obtaining hydration through, well… no one knows. No one’s figured out a safe hydration method yet, and that’s terrifying.
5. Eating
Eating is fraught with danger. Hot food can burn your mouth. Cold food can hurt sensitive teeth. Crunchy foods can lead to jaw injuries. And that’s if you chew — because if you don’t, you risk choking. What’s the safest diet, you ask? That’s easy: No diet. Just stop eating. Unfortunately, some might consider this “starvation,” but when you weigh it against all the potential mishaps associated with eating, you really have to ask yourself: Is it worth the risk?
6. Sleeping
Ah, sleep, nature’s daily reprieve from this dangerous world. But don’t be lulled into a false sense of security. Sleeping brings its own set of terrifying risks. There’s sleepwalking, where you might accidentally trip down stairs. Sleep paralysis, where you might wake up to find yourself immobilized and in the presence of strange figures (it’s unclear who or what they are, but the danger is undeniable). And don’t even get me started on snoring — that could disrupt your airflow! If you’re looking to stay safe, sleep is hardly the option you might think.
7. Socializing
Talking to people? The risks are absurd. For one, social interactions inevitably lead to disagreements. And disagreements can lead to heightened blood pressure. Additionally, a simple handshake risks exposure to countless germs, and a hug? Germ city. So what’s the answer? Social isolation! It’s as simple as barricading yourself indoors. Sure, you might get a bit lonely, but loneliness is a small price to pay compared to the hazards of a friendly brunch or a casual chat. Human connection is a trap — don’t fall for it.
8. Avoiding Everything
Now, here’s the final danger: trying to avoid everything. You might think you’re safe locked away in a padded room, refusing to breathe deeply, move, or interact with anyone. But even that has its own risks. Sitting idly leads to muscle atrophy, no movement can lead to dangerous levels of boredom (which, in high doses, can cause existential dread), and you’d still be breathing, albeit shallowly. So, if even hiding from danger is dangerous, where does that leave you?
Conclusion
In the end, perhaps the best approach is to accept that everything is dangerous, and to simply do nothing. And by “nothing,” I mean doing it at such a low-intensity level that it might not even qualify as living. Lie completely still, close your eyes (not too tightly), breathe as shallowly as possible, and try to tune out all thoughts of movement, hunger, or air. It’s an ambitious lifestyle but arguably the safest approach — assuming, of course, that nothing falls on you.
Remember, life is fraught with dangers, but as long as you avoid every single one of them, you just might make it through.
This fictional article was written by AI for entertainment purposes. Please support my work by buying me a coffee or two. Thank you.
