Interviewer: Good afternoon, folks! Today we have a rather peculiar guest joining us. Meet Dr. Elvira Blanched, a professional orthorectician, renowned for her unique approach to nutrition. Dr. Blanched, thank you for gracing us with your presence.
Dr. Blanched: The pleasure is entirely mine, although I must say, the air in this room is positively saturated with toxins. Have you considered investing in an ionizer?
Interviewer: Noted, Dr. Blanched. So, let’s dive right in. What exactly is orthorectics?
Dr. Blanched: Orthorectics, my dear interviewer, is the sacred art of discerning edible substances from the veritable cesspool of toxicity that masquerades as food in our modern world. It’s about navigating the treacherous waters of nutrition with the precision of a laser-guided missile.
Interviewer: Fascinating! Could you give us an example of what you consider a toxic food?
Dr. Blanched: Oh, where do I begin? Let’s start with the innocent-looking apple, shall we? That seemingly harmless fruit is nothing but a trojan horse, brimming with pesticides, wax coatings, and the nefarious residue of countless pollutants. It’s a miniature chemical warfare on a stem, I tell you.
Interviewer: That sounds dire indeed. So, what would you advise people to eat instead?
Dr. Blanched: Ah, the million-dollar question. I advocate for a diet composed solely of distilled water and organic air. Anything beyond that is a reckless gamble with your health. Even organic vegetables are suspect; who’s to say they haven’t absorbed toxins from the soil?
Interviewer: But what about essential nutrients?
Dr. Blanched: Nutrients, schmutrients! Who needs ‘em? Our bodies are perfectly capable of subsisting on the pure essence of existence itself. Plus, have you ever considered the health risks associated with chewing? It’s a gateway to TMJ disorder, I tell you.
Interviewer: Um, right. Moving on, do you have any advice for our viewers on how to live a toxin-free life?
Dr. Blanched: Certainly! Firstly, hermetically seal yourself in a sterile bubble at all times. Secondly, invest in a hazmat suit for those risky trips to the grocery store. And finally, never, under any circumstances, trust a vegetable.
Interviewer: Well, there you have it, folks. Straight from the mouth of Dr. Elvira Blanched, where everything is toxic and nothing is worth the risk. Thank you for joining us today, Dr. Blanched.
Dr. Blanched: The pleasure was all yours, I assure you. And remember, folks: when in doubt, don’t eat it!
This fictional article was written by AI
