Beware the Vegan Plague: A Guide to Avoiding the Green Apocalypse
In a world brimming with fads and trends, one particularly insidious phenomenon has reared its leafy head: veganism. Often mistaken for a lifestyle choice or a diet, veganism is, in fact, a highly contagious condition that transforms unsuspecting individuals into tofu-worshipping, kale-crunching shadows of their former selves. Here’s your essential guide to recognizing and avoiding this dangerous affliction before it’s too late.
The Early Signs of Veganism
The onset of veganism is subtle, making it difficult to detect until it’s too late. Initial symptoms include:
- A Sudden Fondness for Salads: If your loved one starts eyeing a Caesar salad with more excitement than a steak, you might have a vegan on your hands.
- Obsession with Labels: “Is this gluten-free, non-GMO, and organic?” becomes their new mantra. If you hear these words frequently, take action immediately.
- Avocado Hoarding: A sudden influx of avocados in the house is a classic warning sign. Check under beds and in closets; those green fiends could be anywhere.
The Vegan Spread
Much like the zombie apocalypse, veganism spreads through close contact. Here are some high-risk scenarios:
- Farmers’ Markets: These are ground zero for vegan transmissions. One moment you’re innocently buying artisanal bread, the next you’re signing a petition to save the bees and buying hemp shoes.
- Yoga Studios: The serenity and stretchy pants are a cover. Beware the post-yoga smoothie session; it’s a hotbed for chia seed conversions.
- Vegan Restaurants: Never enter these establishments alone. One “Earth Bowl” later, and you might find yourself swearing off bacon for good.
Quarantine Protocols
If you suspect someone you know is veering towards veganism, immediate quarantine is necessary to prevent the spread. Here’s how to handle the situation:
- Conduct a Meat Intervention: A barbecue with an assortment of meats can remind them of the joys of carnivory. The smell of sizzling burgers has been known to snap people out of their vegan trance.
- Dairy Bombardment: Surround them with a variety of cheeses. The allure of a perfectly aged cheddar can often break the spell.
- Chocolate Therapy: This is a controversial method, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Ensure it’s milk chocolate; dark chocolate is a known vegan gateway.
Preventative Measures
The best cure is prevention. To safeguard yourself and your loved ones, adopt these habits:
- Regular Bacon Consumption: A slice a day keeps the vegan away. Make it a family ritual.
- Weekly Steak Nights: A hearty steak night serves as both a bonding experience and a strong deterrent against vegan tendencies.
- Cheese Board Saturdays: Cultivate an appreciation for diverse cheeses. This helps fortify the immune system against vegan influences.
In Case of Emergency
If you find yourself inadvertently exposed to a vegan environment, stay calm. Here are some emergency measures:
- Carry a Meat Snack: Beef jerky is compact and potent. A quick nibble can stave off the initial infection.
- Distract with Sweets: Offer a sugary, dairy-laden treat. Vegans often falter when faced with the temptation of real cream and butter.
- Evacuation Plan: Have an exit strategy for places like juice bars or health food stores. Excuses like “I left the oven on” or “My cat needs a bath” are useful.
Conclusion
Veganism, while portrayed by some as a noble and healthful pursuit, is a perilous condition that demands vigilance. By staying informed and prepared, you can protect yourself and your loved ones from falling into this leafy, green abyss. Remember, the best defense is a robust diet filled with meats, cheeses, and dairy. Stay strong, stay carnivorous, and together we can stamp out the vegan menace for good.
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