Dating can be terrifying, but if you’re a shy guy, it might feel like you’ve just been thrown into a horror movie where the villain is… social interaction. If you’re looking for some dating advice that’s as horrifying as it is (hopefully) helpful, read on for eight delightfully dreadful tips designed to help (or haunt) you in the dating world. Proceed with caution!
1. Break the Ice with Terrifying Silence
Who needs words? Let your first date kick off with a bone-chilling silence that stretches on and on. Sit down, look them dead in the eye, and say… absolutely nothing. Eventually, they’ll break the silence with a nervous giggle or a “So…how was your day?” That’s when you know you’ve got them exactly where you want them: mildly uncomfortable but deeply intrigued.
2. Forget Eye Contact, Stare at Them Intensely
Eye contact? Nah. Make it intense eye fixation. Once you find something about them to focus on — like their left earlobe or a slightly crooked smile — lock your gaze and refuse to look away. Not only will you communicate extreme interest, but they’ll also get the thrill of wondering if you’re studying them like a science project. A little mystery never hurt anyone… except maybe here.
3. Let Nervous Laughter Be Your Primary Form of Communication
When in doubt, let out an awkward, slightly-too-loud laugh at almost everything they say. Think of it as an interpretive dance but with nervous giggles. Are they talking about their favorite restaurant? Snicker. Are they sharing their pet’s name? Chuckle. If they say something remotely funny, go all out with an enthusiastic “HAHAHAHA!” They’ll be charmed (or at least confused), and you won’t need to think of a single witty thing to say.
4. Make a Power Move with a Double-Text…and Then Another
They haven’t responded to your “Hey, how’s it going?” yet? No problem — text them again. Then again. Then maybe once more just to be sure. Nothing screams “I’m confident and definitely not shy” like filling their inbox with a steady stream of texts. Watch in horror as those dreaded “typing…” dots pop up, disappear, and pop up again, creating suspense worthy of any thriller.
5. Overshare on the First Date — Your Life Story Awaits
Forget easing in slowly — launch right into your deepest, darkest secrets as soon as they ask, “So, tell me about yourself.” Lay it all out there: your childhood fears, your adult fears, and, of course, that time you got stuck in a revolving door. Remember, nothing says “relationship potential” like 17 rapid-fire confessions before the appetizers even arrive.
6. The Accidental Slip-Up Technique: Call Them By the Wrong Name
Want to keep things thrilling? Casually call them by the wrong name at least once during the date. Even better, pick a name that sounds like it could belong to an ex. This will add an air of mystery and make them wonder, Who’s Kevin? Not only will they never forget you, but they’ll probably spend the next few hours wondering if they’re trapped in some bizarre dating simulation.
7. Dreaded Small Talk: Answer Every Question with a Vague “Maybe”
Let’s face it: small talk is horrifying, especially when you’re shy. The solution? Answer every single question with “maybe.” Are you into movies? “Maybe.” Do you have siblings? “Maybe.” Are you an undercover spy who just happens to be on a first date? “Maybe.” This will create a delightful ambiguity, keeping them on the edge of their seat wondering who you truly are. Spoiler: you’re a master of deflection.
8. Embrace the Awkward Goodbye with an Attempted Handshake-Hug Fusion
The date’s coming to an end, and it’s time for that dreaded goodbye. Do you go for a handshake? A hug? A high-five? No, no, no — you’re a shy guy with a unique style. Attempt the elusive “handshake-hug” combo, where you go in for a handshake but also kind of lean in for a hug, resulting in a confusing entanglement of limbs. This chilling farewell will haunt them for days and ensure you’re never forgotten.
In all seriousness, dating doesn’t have to be scary — even for shy guys. Maybe avoid most of these horrifying tips (unless you’re really going for memorable!), and remember that authenticity goes a long way. Take a breath, enjoy the process, and have a little laugh along the way.
This fictional article was written by AI for entertainment purposes. Please support my work by buying me a coffee or two. Thank you.
