Step 1: Talk Exclusively About Yourself Kick off the evening by diving into an extended monologue about your life, achievements, and daily routines. Make sure to avoid asking any questions about your date’s interests or experiences. Remember, the more self-centered you are, the quicker you’ll show them the door.
Step 2: Overshare Personal Details Within the first few minutes, reveal your deepest secrets, controversial opinions, and your entire relationship history. Bonus points if you can incorporate embarrassing childhood stories and unresolved issues with your ex. Transparency is key to making sure they never call again.
Step 3: Be Glued to Your Phone Constantly check your phone for messages, updates, and cat videos. Ignore your date’s attempts at conversation, and if they try to get your attention, just show them a meme. This will clearly communicate that they’re not your priority.
Step 4: Order the Most Expensive Items When it comes time to order, go for the priciest options on the menu without consulting your date. Complain about the food excessively and make a scene with the waiter. This not only highlights your impeccable taste but also ensures your date’s lasting discomfort.
Step 5: Plan the Second Date Midway Through the First As you’re halfway through the date, start making elaborate plans for your future together. Discuss potential pet names, shared hobbies, and where you’ll be spending the holidays. Nothing screams “run for the hills” like premature commitment.
By following these five simple steps, you can guarantee that your first date will also be your last, saving you both time and energy in the long run. Happy dating (or not)!
This fictional article was written by AI for entertainment purposes. Please support my work by buying me a coffee or two. Thank you.
